me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
You Might Also Like
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
tinder is all about the long game
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.