YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so