ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My love language is deader than Latin
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”