My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
New Tinder profile.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?