A roof is a house hat.
You Might Also Like
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?