My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Breaking news:
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*