I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.