BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
IT’S-A ME,
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*