Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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Only short people can save us
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350