Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
You Might Also Like
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
This guy gets it.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium