Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.