Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
You Might Also Like
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.