‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Simple enough.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My plans: 2020:
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father