Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.