My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”