Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
You Might Also Like
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable