My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.