Meat Cute
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
called in thicc to work this morning
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Coffee is ready.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.