My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger