Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.