Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
(2022)
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Put this video in the Louvre
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)