lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “