“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot