Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
This will never not be funny to me.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
new wife guy just dropped
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas