DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
You Might Also Like
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Not helping
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*