Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.