my dad has had enough
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Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions