“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?