Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.