[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
🤣🤣🤣
Me too door. Me too.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
black phone good
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Phones down.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”