I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
You Might Also Like
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men