If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
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Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.