If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
😂😂😂
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.