Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.