So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.