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I’m listening
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.