Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.