Put my back out twerking in the library again
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
This line from Airplane.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*