911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
This meal prepping shit is easy
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you