It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur