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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I hope it’s French Onion!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Catercrombie & Fish
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
You learn something every day
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.