I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
The devil.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
This is so me 😂😂
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.