People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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BRO LMFAO
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.