Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
asked my bf how work was today
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Simple