Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Not helping
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich