Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
same energy
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Something Saturday.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Sex so good you see dead people.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.