doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
what it’s like dating me:
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.