Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!