You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
when you are just born a rebel
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”