I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Put this video in the Louvre
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.